


I can't keep up

by TerresDeBrume



Series: Rumor Has It (We're all selfish morons) [4]
Category: The Avengers (2012)
Genre: Alternate Universe, Angst, Epistolary, M/M, Tragic assholes and stubborn dicks
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-10-10
Updated: 2012-10-10
Packaged: 2017-11-16 01:22:44
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 916
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/533922
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TerresDeBrume/pseuds/TerresDeBrume
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Loki still wonders why it all has to hurt so much.</p>
            </blockquote>





	I can't keep up

_  
_ **October 3, 2012**

_Tony,_

_I’ve tried making this casual. I’ve tried pretending it was a letter like any other, but how can I do that when I’m writing to tell you that I won’t be at Steve’s for Christmas? How can I keep this a casual letter when the reason I’m telling you this is so you can go visit him and Pepper –she’s pregnant, by the way. She allowed me to tell you, so here it is. You’re going to be a surrogate uncle or something._

_But the point of this letter is this: I won’t be at Steve’s for Christmas. Thor’s father wants to see his grandson, apparently, and I need to visit my brothers as well, so we’ll be flying to Iceland for the holidays. We’re expecting lots of snow, obviously, so we’ve started shopping for appropriate clothing. Yesterday Thor got a package from his mom in the mail: she sent us all his old clothes from when he was a baby, and they’re a perfect fit, so that’s what Sleipnir is going to be wrapped in._

_You should see him though, he looks like a Christmas present, what with the frilly nightshirts and what have you. Sometimes I say he looks like a meringue because of all the white and the laces, but the truth is that I’m kind of jealous of that._

_You know I don’t have much to give my son in terms of heritage –I don’t have much I want to give him. He doesn’t need the depression or the self loathing, let alone the drugs, and sometimes I catch myself praying he’s never going to suffer from it, that he’s never going to understand what it is… can you imagine me praying, honestly? I don’t even like to call it that, but even though there’s no form to it, I can’t really call it anything else._   
_Thor is delighted to see his family. I can get why, he’s always had a good relationship with them, and his brother Balder is a lot easier to deal with than I am. I’m glad to see them too, as they seem to like me, the fools._

_I haven’t had the courage to tell the Odinsons about my family._

_What would there be to tell anyway, uh? I don’t even remember what my brothers used to look like when I left –if it weren’t for pictures, I wouldn’t even know what my own mother looked like. And every time I think of seeing them, it feels like my scar is burning, like I’ve got—ah, but I suppose you won’t want to hear that now, will you? You’re away, and you’re getting better. I’m not supposed to burden you with my own problems. I’m sorry. For a while there, I forgot we weren’t talking anymore._

_I’ll leave you alone with this then. Thrÿm is in jail after all, and I’m an adult now. We’ll deal with this ourselves._

_I just wanted to tell you that I wouldn’t be at Steve’s for Christmas, or New Year’s Eve. You should probably go see him –he misses you, and so does Pepper. Go to New York, enjoy the holidays, see your friends. Don’t worry about me._

_I—I don’t know why you won’t see me anymore. I know things weren’t perfect when we visited you last year –I was going through a rough phase and I took it out on you but… I would like us to be friends again. I would have introduced you to Bruce, then –you know who he is, or you used to… he’s that boy I met at the foyer, when I was a kid? He’s a doctor in India, a very good one, too. I’m sure you would have gotten along._

_I suppose I’ll have to forget about that._

_I’ll have to forget about a lot of things, apparently –like how we were supposed to visit Iceland together. Arrangements can be made for one or two more people, but it’s difficult visiting a country with someone who isn’t there._

_I’m kind of bitter about this, if you haven’t noticed._

_I’ve never lied to you about the kind of person I am. You know full well how selfish and intolerant I can be, and you know that I hold grudges for a long time, so I don’t suppose you’ll be surprised to learn that I resent you more than a little bit for literally exiting my life on the day after my wedding._

_You’re still my friend though. You will always be._

_Please, don’t forget that._

_Loki._

It takes a lot of Loki’s self-control not to add some kind of pathetic post-scriptum such as ‘please send me that damn letter’. It takes a lot more than that for him not to just tear everything down and cry -to stop himself from scratching everything above and just send ‘I hate you. I love you. Please talk to me.’

 

But then he can hear Sleipnir cry in the room next to him, and he sighs as he puts the letter into an envelope and writes Tony’s address. Sleipnir is well and truly awake by then, and Loki notes that having several bottles pre-made was a good idea.

And if his cheek is wet when he brushes it against his son’s forehead, then who will know? Thor is out at the station anyway, and Loki has the whole night to be alone with all the things he keeps telling himself he can’t have.


End file.
